Learning How To Develop Love In Marriage

Posted by on February 1, 1998 under Sermons

This evening I want us to interview God just before Jesus began his earthly ministry. We are interviewing God one month before Jesus is baptized by John. We ask the questions. God gives the answers.

We: “God, I understand that in less than five years You will start Your plan to save the world.”

God: “Actually, I will put the plan in motion in about a month.”

We: “That is quite an ambitious project–most people do not even know that You exist. Most people have never heard Your name. They worship other gods that they believe exist, and they trust them. So what is Your plan to make Yourself known to all people in the whole world when most of them have never heard of You?”

God: “I will start with one man, Jesus, who is my son. He will teach and work in one small nation, Israel. As he works with these people, he will choose twelve men to follow him and learn from him every day. Then Jesus will be killed, be buried, and be resurrected from the grave. I will make him the Savior of the world, Lord, and Christ. Forty days after his resurrection I will bring him back to me. Then I will use my Spirit to work through the men he trained. At first, they will teach only in that one small nation. But, in time, they and the people they teach will begin working in many nations. Through believing people who teach other people, in less than a hundred years Jesus will be the heart of a world movement.”

We: “Now let me get this straight. You plan to give the world a Savior, and you will start with one man in one small country. He will prepare twelve men. And with only that, You will produce a world movement in less than 100 years? That is hard to believe.”

God: “I am using the mustard seed principle. You must understand that I am not interested in controlling people. I want to completely change people. So I am putting the power of life in My message about the Savior. That life giving message will have a small beginning, as small as a mustard seed. When a mustard seed springs to life, it becomes a huge plant. When My message springs to life, it will touch the whole world.”

  1. God has never used quick fixes.
    1. From the time God promised Abraham a son until Isaac was born was twenty-five years, twenty-five years of struggle and faith building.
    2. Israel had to leave Egypt at night, had to walk to the other side of the Red Sea, had to travel through a harsh desert wilderness–it was a faith building experience that involved struggle.
    3. Faith in Jesus is not a quick fix; nor is repentance, baptism, or forgiveness–it is a faith building experience that involves struggle.
    4. God changes lives through faith, understanding, and struggle; He does not fix situations in ways that require no effort.
  2. Marriage in America is in an awful state–the troubled ones far outnumber the love filled ones.
    1. Marriage in the church is in an awful state–the trouble ones far outnumber the love filled ones.
    2. That is unnecessary, but a quick fix that requires no effort, no time, no pain, no commitment, and no prices does not exist.
      1. Enjoyable, enduring, love filled marriages that provide life long closeness, companionship, and romance are available to any couple who will make the commitment to learn how to build them and pay the price.
      2. It can happen for couples who learn how to make it happen; it never happens by accident.
    3. The problem is enormous and the need is enormous.
      1. It has taken generations to bring marriage problems to their present state.
      2. While there are no quick fixes, there are effective ways to significantly improve any marriage regardless of how good or how troubled it is.
    4. We will use God’s mustard seed principle to begin teaching people how to build romantic love in their marriages.
  3. All marriage relationships have the same ten basic emotional needs.
    1. Those needs are:
      1. The need for affection.
      2. The need for sexual fulfillment.
      3. The need for conversation.
      4. The need for recreational companionship.
      5. The need for honesty and openness.
      6. The need for the spouse to be attractive.
      7. The need for financial support.
      8. The need for domestic support.
      9. The need for family contentment.
      10. The need for admiration.
    2. In any marriage, the most important emotional needs of the husband and the most important emotional needs of the wife are not the same emotional needs (Dr. Carl Brecheen talked to us about this during our December “Marriage Enrichment Seminar”.)
      1. Understanding each other’s most important emotional needs and fulfilling those needs is the key to building romantic love in every marriage.
      2. Most husbands and wives have never learned nor understood the other’s emotional needs.
    3. There are five things that destroy romantic love in any marriage (Dr. William F. Harley, Jr., Love Busters):
      1. Angry outbursts: the deliberate attempt to hurt your spouse by using anger.
      2. Disrespectful judgments: the attempt to change your spouse’s attitudes, beliefs, or behavior by forcing him or her to think like you do.
      3. Annoying behavior: habits or activities that annoy your spouse.
      4. Selfish demands: the attempt to force your spouse to do something through an implied threat.
      5. Dishonesty: the failure of a spouse to reveal thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.
      6. Each of these attack romantic love in marriage.
    4. Virtually all marriages are less than they could be for two reasons:
      1. We fail to meet each others’ emotional needs because we do not understand them.
      2. We do things that attack romantic love in our relationship.

Helping a couple learn how to meet each other’s emotional needs and helping them learn how to stop attacking romantic love will powerfully bless any marriage.

Is Affection a Stranger To Strong Faith?

Posted by on under Sermons

Recently, in another city, I heard a sincere, conscientious Christian man make this statement: “I grew up in a strong Christian family, but my family did not show affection.” In context, he meant, “My childhood family had great faith in God, but my family did not show affection for each other. I realize that I have not given my wife what she deeply needs and wants because I do not know how to show affection.”

This certainly was not the first time that I heard this statement. But this time, it powerfully caught my attention. I thought about all the troubled marriages I have known. I thought about all the pain and misery caused by troubled marriages. I thought about the times that I have not been the husband I should be. And a voice shouted inside me, “That is what is wrong with too many Christian marriages!”

Is it possible for a family to have a strong faith in God but express no affection in the family? Yes; it is much too common. Why does that happen? The most common reason that happens is this: the childhood family of the husband or the wife never taught him or her how to express affection.

Both Jesus and the New Testament letters powerfully stress the natural bond between faith in God and developing our human relationships.

  1. The New Testament emphasis on the natural bond between faith in God and developing human relationships is overwhelming.
    1. A major emphasis in the letter of I Peter stresses the responsibility of Christians to develop their relationships.
      1. I Peter 2:13-17–“This is how you as Christians are to treat all human institutions including government.”
      2. 1 Peter 2:18-25–“Christians servants, this is how you are to treat your masters.”
      3. 1 Peter 3:1-3–“Christian wives, this is how you are to treat your husbands.”
      4. 1 Peter 3:7–“Christian husbands, this is how you are to treat your wives.”
      5. 1 Peter 3:8,9–“To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;” don’t return evil for evil or insult for insult; instead give a blessing. “You were called for this very purpose…”
    2. The same emphasis is seen in many of the other letters.
      1. The letter of Romans:
        1. 13:1-7–“This is how you are to act toward the government.”
        2. 13:8-10–“This is how you are to treat all people.”
        3. 14–This is how you are to treat Christians who disagree with you.”
        4. 15:1-6–“This is how strong Christians are to treat weak Christians.”
        5. 15:7-13–“This is how Christians are to treat Christians.”
      2. The letter of Ephesians:
        1. 4:25-5:2; 5:21–“This is how Christians treat each other.”
        2. 5:22-33—“This is how Christian wives treat their husbands and Christian husbands treat their wives.”
        3. 6:1-4–“This is how Christian parents treat their children and children treat their Christian parents.”
        4. 6:5-9–“This is how Christian slaves treat their masters and Christian masters treat their slaves.”
      3. The letter of Colossians in 3:21-4:1 states how Christians wives and husbands; parents and children; slaves and masters are to treat each other.
      4. The letter of 1 Timothy in chapters 5 and 6 discusses how Christians who are older men, younger men, older women, younger women, widows, elders, slave owners, and slaves are to treat each other.
        1. Paul said anyone who rejected these relationship instructions advocated “a different doctrine,” did not agree with “sound words” from Jesus Christ or “the doctrine conforming to godliness.”
        2. Building healthy, godly relationships is a matter of doctrine.
  2. The crisis of the Christian home is the most dangerous, destructive internal crisis in the church today.
    1. I do not want to oversimplify the problem; many important factors work together to create this painful, destructive crisis.
      1. One of those primary factors is this: years ago we separated faith in God from affection in Christian relationships.
      2. For years the church has considered it acceptable to express strong faith in church-approved ways while neglecting affection in our homes.
      3. In too many situations, in the name of faith, we have taken affection out of the church and out of the Christian home.
    2. Perhaps you are saying within yourself, “David, you are exaggerating the problem.”
      1. “If a person has faith, expressing affection is not important.”
        1. “If you love, you don’t have to show your love.”
        2. Just as faith that does not express itself is dead, love that does not express itself is dead.
      2. When a congregation nurtures faith in God without expressions of affection, it is not nurturing:
        1. The heart of compassion.
        2. The tenderness mercy.
        3. Loving forgiveness.
        4. Tenderheartedness.
        5. Gentleness.
        6. Kindness.
      3. When a family nurtures faith in God without expressions of affection, it is not nurturing:
        1. The heart of compassion.
        2. The tenderness of mercy.
        3. Loving forgiveness.
        4. Tenderheartedness.
        5. Gentleness.
        6. Kindness.
      4. All these qualities existed in Jesus perfectly; they could exist perfectly in Jesus because of his incredible love, which he expressed.
  3. As a specific example, let’s examine a common problem in Christian marriages.
    1. The church has created the overwhelming, overriding impression that all it takes to please God in marriage is refusing to divorce.
      1. We created the conviction that the marriage crisis will be solved if we convince people not to divorce–if there is no divorce, there is no problem.
      2. We created the conviction that the church would have no marriage problems if the church just eliminated divorce among Christians.
    2. So what is our answer, when we face these very real, very common questions?
      1. “For years my spouse has totally alienated himself/herself from me. We live under the same roof–period. We put on a good front when we are in public, but I have suffered all the pain that I can take. I cannot endure the pain of living in a ‘less pretend’ marriage any longer.”
        1. Question: “What should we do?”
        2. Answer: “Don’t divorce.”
      2. “When we exchanged wedding vows ten years ago, we promised each other companionship. God created the home for companionship. I married for companionship. There has been zero companionship in our marriage for years. We do not share life, and we do things together only when it is necessary. It has reached the point that we simply do not want to be with each other–the less time we spend together, the better our lives are.”
        1. Question: “What should we do?”
        2. Answer: “Don’t divorce.”
      3. “My wife abuses me physically, verbally, and emotionally. When she goes into her rage, she abuses me and the children. When rage kicks in, she loses control and is totally unpredictable. There are times I physically restrain her to keep her from hurting one of us.”
        1. Question: “What should I do?”
        2. Our answer: “Don’t divorce.”
      4. “My husband is hooked on pornography. I did not know it, but he was already hooked when he was a teenager. He hides it well, but he buys it. When he travels out of town, he spends a lot of money on it. Sexually, our relationship is terrible.”
        1. Question: “What should I do?”
        2. Answer: “Don’t divorce.”
      5. “My spouse is on drugs and alcohol. He/she has hidden it for years by carefully picking and choosing the places and times to use it. But the addiction is getting worse every month. That growing addiction is creating problems that are becoming more and more serious.”
        1. Question: “What should I do?”
        2. Answer: “Don’t divorce.”
    3. In too many Christian marriages, the husband and wife do not know how to build or sustain successful companionship, or romantic love, or affectionate support.
      1. For years I have known families in which the adult children never saw mother and father kiss, hug, or hold each other.
      2. I know families that shook hands with their sons when they returned from the war arena.
      3. I know adults who as children watched their parents fight, but never saw them resolve a conflict.
        1. They got a Ph.D. in understanding how to fight mean, argue dirty, and attack viciously.
        2. They got a Ph.D. in how to withdraw, how to isolate, how to give the silent treatment, how to criticize, how to find faults, and to be controlling.
        3. They got a Ph.D. in how to inflict pain, how to cause emotional suffering, and how to wound the heart.
      4. But they never witnessed tenderness, or forgiveness, or supportiveness, or compassion.
        1. They never were taught how to hold a spouse when he or she is hurting.
        2. They were never taught how to be tender with someone who is grieving.
        3. They were never taught how to soothe emotional pain.
        4. They were never taught how to use loving forgiveness in failure.
    4. One of two things happens much too frequently.
      1. A son who does not know how to be a husband or; a daughter who does not know how to be a wife marries.
      2. Or a son or daughter who knows how to be a good spouse marries someone who does not know how to be a husband and wife.
      3. And the problem passes from one generation to the next.
      4. And with each generation relationship ignorance grows greater, selfishness grows worse, anger grows more intense, and problems grow bigger.

So the church cries out, “We have to do something!” And someone says, “People need to understand that they are not supposed to divorce.” So one more time we condemn divorce, but the situation gets worse. The message that is desperately needed is not found in the words, “Don’t divorce.” No matter how great the husband and wife’s faith in God is, when they are in pain long enough, when the hurt becomes deep enough, the marriage will end.

From day one, a primary focus of Christianity has been on teaching Christians how to live in their relationships. The New Testament places enormous emphasis on teaching Christians how to live in relationships. As the church, we have ignored that emphasis. And we are paying for it big time. That neglect is threatening our existence.

God never defined successful marriage as the marriage that does not divorce. The only solution to the marriage crisis is teaching Christians how to build successful relationships. That is the only way we will address the growing tragedy of failed marriages.

Our world is such a complicated place to live in. Our society is such a complicated place to live in. Rearing children is such a complicated thing. Being married is such a complicated thing. Nothing is simple.

Where do you start?
My recommendation: There is no simple answer without learning and knowledge. It will take a long time to get things untangled. The beginning point is building a relationship with God. Loving God is the first step to loving others. Making peace with God is the first step to making peace with your spouse. There are things that God can do that no one else can do. There are things that can be done in prayer that cannot be done any other way. Rely on a power greater than yourself.

Lord, I Hunger For Spiritual Growth–But My Religion Keeps Getting In My Way

Posted by on under Bulletin Articles

Lord, thank You for the spiritual influences in my life. Christian parents and grandparents are such a blessing! My life is powerfully blessed because I grew up in a praying home that studied the Bible. The church is the source of many special blessings. How thankful I am that it stresses Your authority and Your word. How thankful I am that it emphasizes the importance of obedience and morality.

I am deeply grateful for my spiritual heritage. My life is constantly touched by the hearts and minds of past generations who were devoted to being only Christians. Though I shall never know their sacrifices, their searching faith will always bless me.

I have grown through my study and prayer. I know that You are at work in my heart and mind. I see things that I have never seen. My understanding of Your principles and truths has reached new depths. The more I grow, the more I understand. The more I understand, the more I want to grow.

As I yearn to plunge deeper into the mind and heart of Christ, I meet an unexpected obstacle. I am shocked by areas of my faith. In some of my spiritual places, I discover my faith trusts a religious ‘system’ instead of Your Son. In those places, as my faith in Your Son grows, my ‘system’ feels threatened.

So, spiritually, I find ‘me’ in conflict with ‘me.’ My ‘system’ declares that I am in conflict with ‘them,’ and, in the past, I believed that. But my growing faith has reached a new level of honesty. Jesus shows me that my growing faith and my ‘system’ are struggling.

I cherish my heritage. I cherish the faith of my family. I cherish the church. I cherish my understanding of the Bible’s importance. I cherish my commitment to obedience.

I also cherish Jesus, my spiritual role model. I hunger for Your priorities. I hunger for a fuller understanding of Your will. I hunger to love and help people as You do. I hunger to have the heart and mind of Jesus so that helping people becomes helping the person. I hunger to be a Christian who does good in our world because I am a child of the God who does good in our world.

Lord, in spite of my conflict with me, help me grow. May those of the next generation be blessed by my growing faith just as I am blessed by the growing faith of generations past.

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