Is Affection a Stranger To Strong Faith?

Posted by on February 1, 1998 under Sermons

Recently, in another city, I heard a sincere, conscientious Christian man make this statement: “I grew up in a strong Christian family, but my family did not show affection.” In context, he meant, “My childhood family had great faith in God, but my family did not show affection for each other. I realize that I have not given my wife what she deeply needs and wants because I do not know how to show affection.”

This certainly was not the first time that I heard this statement. But this time, it powerfully caught my attention. I thought about all the troubled marriages I have known. I thought about all the pain and misery caused by troubled marriages. I thought about the times that I have not been the husband I should be. And a voice shouted inside me, “That is what is wrong with too many Christian marriages!”

Is it possible for a family to have a strong faith in God but express no affection in the family? Yes; it is much too common. Why does that happen? The most common reason that happens is this: the childhood family of the husband or the wife never taught him or her how to express affection.

Both Jesus and the New Testament letters powerfully stress the natural bond between faith in God and developing our human relationships.

  1. The New Testament emphasis on the natural bond between faith in God and developing human relationships is overwhelming.
    1. A major emphasis in the letter of I Peter stresses the responsibility of Christians to develop their relationships.
      1. I Peter 2:13-17–“This is how you as Christians are to treat all human institutions including government.”
      2. 1 Peter 2:18-25–“Christians servants, this is how you are to treat your masters.”
      3. 1 Peter 3:1-3–“Christian wives, this is how you are to treat your husbands.”
      4. 1 Peter 3:7–“Christian husbands, this is how you are to treat your wives.”
      5. 1 Peter 3:8,9–“To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;” don’t return evil for evil or insult for insult; instead give a blessing. “You were called for this very purpose…”
    2. The same emphasis is seen in many of the other letters.
      1. The letter of Romans:
        1. 13:1-7–“This is how you are to act toward the government.”
        2. 13:8-10–“This is how you are to treat all people.”
        3. 14–This is how you are to treat Christians who disagree with you.”
        4. 15:1-6–“This is how strong Christians are to treat weak Christians.”
        5. 15:7-13–“This is how Christians are to treat Christians.”
      2. The letter of Ephesians:
        1. 4:25-5:2; 5:21–“This is how Christians treat each other.”
        2. 5:22-33—“This is how Christian wives treat their husbands and Christian husbands treat their wives.”
        3. 6:1-4–“This is how Christian parents treat their children and children treat their Christian parents.”
        4. 6:5-9–“This is how Christian slaves treat their masters and Christian masters treat their slaves.”
      3. The letter of Colossians in 3:21-4:1 states how Christians wives and husbands; parents and children; slaves and masters are to treat each other.
      4. The letter of 1 Timothy in chapters 5 and 6 discusses how Christians who are older men, younger men, older women, younger women, widows, elders, slave owners, and slaves are to treat each other.
        1. Paul said anyone who rejected these relationship instructions advocated “a different doctrine,” did not agree with “sound words” from Jesus Christ or “the doctrine conforming to godliness.”
        2. Building healthy, godly relationships is a matter of doctrine.
  2. The crisis of the Christian home is the most dangerous, destructive internal crisis in the church today.
    1. I do not want to oversimplify the problem; many important factors work together to create this painful, destructive crisis.
      1. One of those primary factors is this: years ago we separated faith in God from affection in Christian relationships.
      2. For years the church has considered it acceptable to express strong faith in church-approved ways while neglecting affection in our homes.
      3. In too many situations, in the name of faith, we have taken affection out of the church and out of the Christian home.
    2. Perhaps you are saying within yourself, “David, you are exaggerating the problem.”
      1. “If a person has faith, expressing affection is not important.”
        1. “If you love, you don’t have to show your love.”
        2. Just as faith that does not express itself is dead, love that does not express itself is dead.
      2. When a congregation nurtures faith in God without expressions of affection, it is not nurturing:
        1. The heart of compassion.
        2. The tenderness mercy.
        3. Loving forgiveness.
        4. Tenderheartedness.
        5. Gentleness.
        6. Kindness.
      3. When a family nurtures faith in God without expressions of affection, it is not nurturing:
        1. The heart of compassion.
        2. The tenderness of mercy.
        3. Loving forgiveness.
        4. Tenderheartedness.
        5. Gentleness.
        6. Kindness.
      4. All these qualities existed in Jesus perfectly; they could exist perfectly in Jesus because of his incredible love, which he expressed.
  3. As a specific example, let’s examine a common problem in Christian marriages.
    1. The church has created the overwhelming, overriding impression that all it takes to please God in marriage is refusing to divorce.
      1. We created the conviction that the marriage crisis will be solved if we convince people not to divorce–if there is no divorce, there is no problem.
      2. We created the conviction that the church would have no marriage problems if the church just eliminated divorce among Christians.
    2. So what is our answer, when we face these very real, very common questions?
      1. “For years my spouse has totally alienated himself/herself from me. We live under the same roof–period. We put on a good front when we are in public, but I have suffered all the pain that I can take. I cannot endure the pain of living in a ‘less pretend’ marriage any longer.”
        1. Question: “What should we do?”
        2. Answer: “Don’t divorce.”
      2. “When we exchanged wedding vows ten years ago, we promised each other companionship. God created the home for companionship. I married for companionship. There has been zero companionship in our marriage for years. We do not share life, and we do things together only when it is necessary. It has reached the point that we simply do not want to be with each other–the less time we spend together, the better our lives are.”
        1. Question: “What should we do?”
        2. Answer: “Don’t divorce.”
      3. “My wife abuses me physically, verbally, and emotionally. When she goes into her rage, she abuses me and the children. When rage kicks in, she loses control and is totally unpredictable. There are times I physically restrain her to keep her from hurting one of us.”
        1. Question: “What should I do?”
        2. Our answer: “Don’t divorce.”
      4. “My husband is hooked on pornography. I did not know it, but he was already hooked when he was a teenager. He hides it well, but he buys it. When he travels out of town, he spends a lot of money on it. Sexually, our relationship is terrible.”
        1. Question: “What should I do?”
        2. Answer: “Don’t divorce.”
      5. “My spouse is on drugs and alcohol. He/she has hidden it for years by carefully picking and choosing the places and times to use it. But the addiction is getting worse every month. That growing addiction is creating problems that are becoming more and more serious.”
        1. Question: “What should I do?”
        2. Answer: “Don’t divorce.”
    3. In too many Christian marriages, the husband and wife do not know how to build or sustain successful companionship, or romantic love, or affectionate support.
      1. For years I have known families in which the adult children never saw mother and father kiss, hug, or hold each other.
      2. I know families that shook hands with their sons when they returned from the war arena.
      3. I know adults who as children watched their parents fight, but never saw them resolve a conflict.
        1. They got a Ph.D. in understanding how to fight mean, argue dirty, and attack viciously.
        2. They got a Ph.D. in how to withdraw, how to isolate, how to give the silent treatment, how to criticize, how to find faults, and to be controlling.
        3. They got a Ph.D. in how to inflict pain, how to cause emotional suffering, and how to wound the heart.
      4. But they never witnessed tenderness, or forgiveness, or supportiveness, or compassion.
        1. They never were taught how to hold a spouse when he or she is hurting.
        2. They were never taught how to be tender with someone who is grieving.
        3. They were never taught how to soothe emotional pain.
        4. They were never taught how to use loving forgiveness in failure.
    4. One of two things happens much too frequently.
      1. A son who does not know how to be a husband or; a daughter who does not know how to be a wife marries.
      2. Or a son or daughter who knows how to be a good spouse marries someone who does not know how to be a husband and wife.
      3. And the problem passes from one generation to the next.
      4. And with each generation relationship ignorance grows greater, selfishness grows worse, anger grows more intense, and problems grow bigger.

So the church cries out, “We have to do something!” And someone says, “People need to understand that they are not supposed to divorce.” So one more time we condemn divorce, but the situation gets worse. The message that is desperately needed is not found in the words, “Don’t divorce.” No matter how great the husband and wife’s faith in God is, when they are in pain long enough, when the hurt becomes deep enough, the marriage will end.

From day one, a primary focus of Christianity has been on teaching Christians how to live in their relationships. The New Testament places enormous emphasis on teaching Christians how to live in relationships. As the church, we have ignored that emphasis. And we are paying for it big time. That neglect is threatening our existence.

God never defined successful marriage as the marriage that does not divorce. The only solution to the marriage crisis is teaching Christians how to build successful relationships. That is the only way we will address the growing tragedy of failed marriages.

Our world is such a complicated place to live in. Our society is such a complicated place to live in. Rearing children is such a complicated thing. Being married is such a complicated thing. Nothing is simple.

Where do you start?
My recommendation: There is no simple answer without learning and knowledge. It will take a long time to get things untangled. The beginning point is building a relationship with God. Loving God is the first step to loving others. Making peace with God is the first step to making peace with your spouse. There are things that God can do that no one else can do. There are things that can be done in prayer that cannot be done any other way. Rely on a power greater than yourself.