The Confusing World of Fatherhood

Posted by David on June 15, 1997 under Sermons

Happy fathers’ day!

Nationally, we celebrate five holidays that honor either family members or the family as a unit. Valentine’s day is a day for all people who are in love. But it is a day of special significance for wives and husbands. Mother’s day exists to honor mothers. Father’s day exists to honor fathers. And Thanksgiving and Christmas have become two of the most important family days of the entire year.

The sad thing is that these days that are intended to honor family or family members have become painful, sad days for a large number of Americans. Between alienating friction, divorce, and death, it is possible that more people suffer pain on these days than experience joy.

A successful father (by that I specifically mean a man who is successful as a father) is one of the most remarkable persons in our society. What is a successful father? Are we talking about the perfect parent? No. Successful fathers are imperfect parents who acknowledge and accept responsibility for their mistakes. Successful fathers are comfortable in accepting the fact that they are not super human, are not always right, and do make mistakes.

A successful father loves his children. He communicates his love with words, kindness, fairness, and touch. He builds and nurtures relationships with his children rather than assuming the role of an authoritarian. He dares to accept the challenge to communicate with his children in the knowledge that communication is a hard and often painful art to learn. He is kind even when his children exploit him. He is fair in all his discipline. He seeks influence, not control. He literally loves his children enough to want them to make their mistakes while they are at home. Then he can in love and forgiveness help them recover and learn from their mistakes. He knows that it is impossible to program a child to live his or her life in the ways that he as the parent chooses. But he also knows that he can live as a positive force in his children’s hearts even after he dies.

1. Today, of all family relationships, it is possible that fathers face the most demanding family role in our society.
   1. While things have radically changed in all family relationships, no role has changed more radically than the roles of husband and father.
      1. For the husbands and fathers of the 1940s and 50s, family roles were clear cut.
         1. The role of children was to render strict obedience to their parents, and especially to their father.
         2. The role of the wife and mother was to care for all domestic needs, to work long and hard in the home, to stretch the dollar as far as it could go, to meet the individual needs of family members, and visibly to be the submissive one.
         3. The role of the husband and father was to maintain a job, to bring in a paycheck, to work as hard as necessary to financially support the family, and visibly to be the authoritarian.
      2. That was far from a perfect arrangement, but it was an easily understood arrangement.
         1. If there was deep, genuine love in the home, those roles produced a stable family unit that benefitted the family as a unit.
         2. If there was little or no love in the home, it created abuses that caused emotional and physical suffering for the family members.
      3. However, that arrangement dealt with the two basic realities of every day existence.
         1. Job opportunities were limited, money was hard to earn, and paying work often involved difficult manual labor.
         2. The family unit had to manage well if everyone was to eat and be clothed.
         3. You cooked; you did not eat out.
         4. You sewed; you bought clothing only when absolutely necessary.
         5. You learned how to make do with what you had–and that in itself was a full time job.
   2. The 1960s, 70s, and 80s were a period of enormous transition in the American family.
      1. It began dramatically but slowly in the 1960s.
      2. It made significant changes in the 1970s.
      3. And it was in major transition in the 1980s.
      4. The enormous transition in the family in these three decades is seen in:
         1. The sexual revolution that began among college and university students in the 60s.
         2. The growing emphasis on higher education and career opportunities for women in the 60s and 70s.
         3. The increasing acceptance of “live-in” relationships in the 70s and 80s.
         4. The growing divorce rate in those three decades.
         5. The revolutionary change in both roles and opportunities for women throughout those three decades.
2. The typical American family of the 1990s bears little resemblance to the typical American family of the 1950s.
   1. The one person who has had the least amount of help in this redefinition of family roles and responsibility was the husband and father.
      1. Typically, for the wife and mother, it was a time of discovery.
         1. I certainly am not implying that it was an easy transition for wives and mothers.
         2. It was not simple for the woman who sought to be wife and mother in this period of redefinition, and it still is not simple.
         3. Typically, it was a period of great frustration for wives and mothers.
         4. But this redefinition did involve new opportunities and options, and women did receive a lot of input–both good and bad.
      2. Typically, for the husband and father, it was a time of attack and confusion.
         1. He was told, often correctly, how his role had oppressed the family.
         2. The inadequacies and shortcomings of the father role in the past were highlighted and stressed.
         3. He was attacked for being a man and ridiculed for being what he had always been taught to be.
         4. Though he repeatedly was told that his concepts of masculinity and family roles were hurtful, he received little constructive guidance or assistance in redefining or improving those roles (people often told him what he should not be; few helped him understand what he should be).
   2. My sons are much better fathers than I was.
      1. It was my father’s responsibility to make a living, which he cared for with dedication and single-mindedness.
         1. I never remember my father holding a baby (though I am sure that he did) or spending time with small children until he became a grandfather.
         2. So, basically, I never had opportunity to learn from him how a man did fatherly things with small children.
         3. That is not a criticism; it is just a statement of fact.
      2. When Joyce and I had children, I literally did not know how to help her with the babies.
         1. The first time I ever looked at a small baby was when Jon, our first child, came home from the hospital.
         2. I remember being amazed that a hand so small could have fingernails.
         3. I also was scared to death to touch him because I was afraid that he would break.
      3. My job was to work, and to work hard–and I knew how to do that.
   3. Consider the common concept of masculinity that those of us who are over 50 were taught.
      1. Masculinity was job oriented–a man defined success primarily in terms of his job.
      2. Masculinity was quiet–a man did not talk a lot.
      3. Masculinity did not:
         1. Ask for help.
         2. Show emotion (never cry!).
         3. Never acknowledged a weakness or a problem.
         4. “Tied to wife’s apron strings.”
            1. It would surprise me if the teenagers know what that expression means.
            2. It would surprise me if any person above 50 does not know what that expression means.
      4. If those things described you as man, you were masculine–a man’s man!
   4. The definition of masculinity in the 1990s is totally different.
      1. Today, masculinity includes:
         1. Good communication with your wife and children.
         2. Shared child care–in the healthiest and most successful homes today, fathers are very involved in helping meet all their children’s needs.
         3. Shared domestic responsibility–if the wife has a job or a career, that is an essential.
         4. Sharing feelings and being open.
      2. The 50s concept of masculinity, the transitional concepts of masculinity, and the 90s concept of masculinity are alive and well in different age segments of our society today.
         1. That is one of the significant contributors to the reality of our generation gaps.
         2. In fact, conflicting concepts of masculinity often separate the oldest generation of men from the youngest generation of men by a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon.
      3. Men’s struggle with the concept of masculinity is also a significant factor in our divorce rate.
         1. Presently 51% of all first marriages end in divorce.
         2. The majority of those divorces occur within the first five years of marriage.
         3. It is in that period that men must define their role as husband and father.
3. The Bible is not a manual on family relationships.
   1. In fact, the Bible in its brutal honesty documents the fact that some of God’s greatest servants did not succeed in influencing their children to follow God.
      1. Consider two examples.
      2. The leader and prophet Samuel was given to God before he was conceived, and he was called by God when he was still a child (1 Samuel 1:11; 3:1-19).
         1. He provided the most significant godly leadership in Israel in the late period of the judges and much of the reign of King Saul.
         2. Yet, one of the basic reasons that the nation wanted a king to replace Samuel’s leadership was the fact that his sons were evil (1 Samuel 8:3, 5).
      3. King David marked a major advance in personal relationship with God.
         1. No other king had as much godly influence on the nation as did David.
         2. Even with his mistakes, the Bible more than once calls him the man after God’s own heart.
         3. Yet, one of his sons raped his half-sister, and was in turn killed by her brother (2 Samuel 13).
         4. One of his sons forced him to flee the capitol city of Jerusalem, and he who killed his half-brother for raping his sister raped some of his father’s wives in public (1 Samuel 15; 16:21, 22).
   2. While the Bible is not a manual on family relationships, the New Testament does declare four basic principals that stand at the foundation of healthy families.
      1. #1: Treat other people like you want to be treated (Matthew 7:12).
         1. Or, treat your wife and children with the consideration, understanding, kindness, and fairness that you wish to receive from them.
      2. #2: Love your wife as you love your own body because loving your wife is loving yourself (Ephesians 5:25).
         1. Or, in your love for your wife, show her the same quality of consideration that you show yourself in your personal life.
      3. #3: Children, honor and obey your parents; this is the key to a fulfilled adult life (Ephesians 6:1-3).
         1. Or, respectful response to your parents’ guidance is the foundation for meaningful adult life.
      4. #4: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the Lord’s discipline and instruction (Ephesians 6:4).
         1. Or, instead of angering your children by frustrating and irritating them, guide them to an understanding of Christ’s directives and teachings.

Fathers, may God guide you, strengthen you, and give you wisdom as you accept one of life’s most demanding challenges. Develop the willingness to learn to be a better father in the same manner you want your children to learn how to be better sons and daughters. Develop the willingness to better understand and sustain your wife in the same manner that you want your wife to understand and sustain you.